The Purity Report - Discussion Forum: Horrible Father on Father's Day

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Horrible Father on Father's Day
scoTTTimo	#1 Posted on 06/17/2012
New Member Posts: 18 Joined: 06/16/2012	Hi Everyone. I came to PR because I need accountability. I am addicted to porn...and whatever else turns me on. I had been clean for a few months, but 2 days before father's day I gave in. Then I spent the day before father's day binge-ing. I'm just not strong enough to overcome the temptation on my own. Now I feel the guilt. When I look at my wife... when I say "I love you" to her. GUILT. When I think about my kids... About me...I'm 32, married, and have 3 little boys 5, 6, and 7. I've been a Christian all my life in fact I don't know exactly when I got saved. I've had some incredible experiences with God, but I still struggle with my faith. Sometimes He just feels so far that I wonder if I really do know him. This is one of my biggest triggers. Leading up to my cave-in, I felt the doubt building. I wish I had full confidence in Jesus Christ and my salvation, but to be honest...Hell scares me. Judgement day scares me. My own sin nature scares me. And sometimes I just don't know how to rest assured in His love. I have so many questions all the time. I'm the guy that asks all the question. I'm the skeptic. The critic. I hate that about myself. I don't know what else to say. Hi everybody! I need accountability! As temptation was creeping up on me for a couple weeks leading up, I actually was wishing I had somebody I could call and talk to about it. Even someone I could just text. I don't have any guy friends that I can talk to like that. We recently started going to a new church and I'm hoping to make some of those kind of friends there. Anyway...(nervous) Scott


bobbyorr	#2 Posted on 06/17/2012
Tribal Elder Posts: 2576 Joined: 02/18/2010	Hello, friend. I believe you will find you've taken an important step towards accountability and honesty. I can feel your words so much. Once you feel in that hole of being a failure as a father, there can be such a cycle of shame and guilt that seems like an undertoe, pulling you back under. I read Psalm 69 last week: Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God. I'm praying for you right now that the Lord will come close to you and bring you out of the pit and put your feet on a rock and a song in your mouth (borrowing from Psalm 40). As you look around the site, there are some good resources. I recommend the video available on the front page about breaking out of the cycle of addiction. It explains how even times of guilt and abstinence can still be part of the very cycle we are trying to escape. I think it's very helpful.


chieffan	#3 Posted on 06/18/2012
Administrator Posts: 7030 Joined: 04/14/2007	Hi Scott, welcome! I'm glad you've joined this little band of fellow strugglers with sexually inappropriate behaviors. I appreciated what bobbyorr said, and those are good words. It's so hard when we mess up, and those little lives in our care are so important. The last thing we want to do is hurt them, but yet, the temptations are so strong, and so powerful. I definitely second bobbyorr's suggestion about the video on the cycle of sexual addiction. It can be very eye opening. Again, welcome (and I've added you to the Men's Group). Dave SD - 6/14/12 Do not let your heart envy sinners. Proverbs 23:17a But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. Titus 3:4-7 SDGDevotion Before Duty


scoTTTimo	#4 Posted on 06/18/2012
New Member Posts: 18 Joined: 06/16/2012	Thank you guys. I had already watched the video before posting here. I was nodding my head the whole time. I have seen that cycle replicate in my life over and over. I will be posting my story in more detail in the men's group soon. Probably tonight cause I work graveyard and I have a TON of free time at work. Finding this site and posting here has helped me already. I was tempted today, but found strength to deny it. @bobbyorr your choice of words were interesting as I have felt called many times to be a musician and songwriter. I need solidity in my relationship with Jesus. Thank you for the warm welcomes.


bobbyorr	#5 Posted on 06/18/2012
Tribal Elder Posts: 2576 Joined: 02/18/2010	oh cool! Perhaps the Lord will use you to communicate through song with other people who struggle. I am usually able to preach at the drop of a hat, and I like listening to music, but I have never discovered any talent whatsoever for carrying a tune or writing songs, LOL. I'm glad there are those who can - it's a great thing. So this is totally off-topic, and I'd hate to suggest something that could be a trigger, but I was really enjoying Austin City Limits last night. I never, ever watch TV (we watch videos instead), but I happened to have it on last night and there was some music in the legacy of Johnny Cash.


uksteve	#6 Posted on 06/18/2012
Senior Contributor Posts: 881 Joined: 11/15/2006	Hey Scott, Welcome aboard, hope you can find what you need here I can relate to a lot of what you've shared so far too - I'm sure the lack of guy friends is not unusual, and I hope you find that somewhere too. Look forward to seeing you around My website My Aims (in no particular order) 1. No more porn. 2. Avoid known sources of temptation. 3. No MB, fantasy or remotely sexual activity without my wife. 4. Replace porn with more positive thoughts & activities. 5. Get right with God - repair my prayer life, read the Bible more. 6. Get on with writing that next book.

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